​Date: February 3, 2006

Author: Sonia- Mom of Tegan and Sara

As a child of the 70’s, I dreamed of being in a rock and roll band. My brief stint at drum lessons did not unearth a stunning talent but that did not prevent me from acting out my fantasies with friends in our basement apartment. These brief flashes of memory are currently accompanied with either deep embarrassment or possibly what I have come to know as a hot flash correlated with my gynecological age. I did not become a rock star - instead I resigned myself to marrying Jimmy Page - Led Zeppelin - and to the procreation of mini Jimmies AKA - Tegan and Sara. Obviously neither Tegan nor Sara are his children and so I assume they came by their enormous talent through my genetic offerings.

Imagine then if you will, the enormous excitement I experienced when I received the invitation to accompany the Tegan and Sara band to Australia as their merchandise girl. Somewhere deep inside of me I know now looking back to that sunny day in June 2005, a still deep seated longing to be discovered as the real talent in the family cried out “YES, YES of course I will go”. There is little to be said at this juncture except – chronic tendonitis, aging, stiff and chronic muscle aches, sinus and ear (2) infections = rock and roll veteran. And so when the opportunity to join the girls on the UNLIMITED SUNSHINE TOUR came up with a promise of a bunk on the tour bus to make the trip from Phoenix to Las Vegas, I leapt at the opportunity. And so, I offer the wisdom I have garnered to those of you who are currently fantasizing about this glamorous lifestyle, waiting to be discovered, hoping to be signed, longing for the cries of your loving fans or are just pure and simple “Tegan and Sara fans”.

1. There are no “people” who take care of everything for you – if you bring a 50 pound bag there is no one who will lift it off the luggage carousal for you nor will there be anyone to carry it for you – if it is yours you carry it yourself along with everything associated with your position in the band – ******note to new musicians: try bass guitar there is less to carry******.

2. ***Note to future rock stars*** Those big fancy tour buses actually house 8-12 coffin-like structures called beds and if you experience night sweats, hot flashes, claustrophobia, anxiety symptoms or a full out panic disorder – you may want to reconsider your career choice.

3. *****Note to fans***** If you hate the opening band, they are paid to complete their full set and it doesn’t matter how many times you yell “You suck, get off the stage” they CAN”T. So the next time you are working at your job at the local Jack in the Box, think about how you would feel if I came in and sat at a table in your serving area and yelled at you “You suck get away from my table”.

4. *****Riders***** Those things journalists write about telling you how spoiled Mariah Carey is because she will only accept red M and M’s on her rider – well people you need to know she is paying for this service and if the promoter and club don’t want to get it for her they shouldn’t ask her what she wants. As consumers we have the right to get what we ask for and when you purchase a service you have a right to get what you pay for. So if you ask for Rice Milk and Luna Bars and you get rice krispie squares and milk – send them back.

5. Theatres are better than bars. Sitting down seems to bring out the best in fans whereas beer and standing……not so much.

6. Drunken people leave their brains at the bar and arguing with a loud obnoxious drunk is akin to an adult arguing with a child and losing. “Just don’t do it”.

7. When a band puts you on their guest list – say “thank-you”, this is not a freebie – they pay for your ticket – that includes all “industry people”. Remember nothing in this world is free.

8. ****Note to fans**** Cameras count as cameras and cell phones that take pictures are not cameras. And even if you are the mother of the band – some underpaid “just doing my job mam” child can still take your camera away from you while everyone around you can take as many pictures with their cell phones as they would like.

9. If you are smoking while your favorite performer is singing consider going outside but if you must – at the very least exhale away from the stage area and the performers faces – smoking and vocal performance do not make good bedmates – especially if the performer has asthma.

10. Club back stage areas are often the most disgusting and frightening expressions of the inner workings of the male psyche. The walls are filled with massive penis sketches and renditions of the “perfect female” nude with enormous breasts that if transferred to a real women would probably knock them flat on their face. It would seem in my opinion many of the so called “artists” are working through of some their possibly premature weaning mother/ son issues.

11. ***If you have blacked out from too much alcohol*** Remember “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas – except possibly the STD” Use protection – STDs and HIV are on the rise – be smart – play safe.

12. Finally - ***FANS*** if an artist does not come out after the show to sign autographs it may be that they are finished work for the evening or may be entertaining friends or family or might just be exhausted. It does not mean they are “too big” now, have “sold-out” or are unhappy with their fans.

Thank-you to the The Tegan and Sara band for making my trips with you so much fun and educational – without you all this new and immense wisdom would not be possible.